Teacher's Summary
This writing sample presents an interesting narrative with clear ideas. With some attention to grammar and punctuation, the clarity and flow of your writing can be significantly improved. Keep up the good work!
Your Writing with highlights
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The author said that he had a son who was very shy and nervous around the public. When he was in 2nd grade his father signed him up for baseball practice and the son played dead the whole practice. The author decided to stop trying to change him quickly but let him change at his own pace. The author calls this the Paradigm Shift.
The author said that he was going to take his daughter somewhere and he asked her where she wanted to go. The daughter said that she didn't want to go anywhere because, where she wanted to go, the father did not want to go. The author said he did not care and if she wanted to go somewhere then he wanted to go there. The daughter wanted to go and see Star Wars. The daughter said that the student in the movie was learning the same thing he was teaching. This changed the author's view on the movie. It was a paradigm shift.
The first habit in the book is being proactive. I looked it up and proactive means taking charge and changing something instead of simply sitting and waiting for it to change.
Issues Summary
"around the public"
→ Suggestion: around people
The phrase 'around the public' is awkward; 'around people' is more natural and accurate in this context.
"the son played dead the whole practice"
→ Suggestion: the son played dead throughout the whole practice
The phrase 'the whole practice' can be improved by adding 'throughout' for better clarity and flow.
"but let him change at his own pace"
→ Suggestion: but he let him change at his own pace
The conjunction 'but' should connect two independent clauses, so adding 'he' clarifies the subject.
"because, where she wanted to go, the father did not want to go"
→ Suggestion: because where she wanted to go, the father did not want to go
The comma after 'because' is unnecessary and disrupts the flow of the sentence.
"if she wanted to go somewhere then he wanted to go there"
→ Suggestion: if she wanted to go somewhere, then he wanted to go there
A comma is needed before 'then' to separate the conditional clause from the main clause.
"the student in the movie"
→ Suggestion: the character in the movie
Referring to 'the student' can be confusing; 'the character' is more appropriate in this context.
Error Breakdown
✏️ Your Rewrite
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